March Madness??

Confession: I had a true meltdown Tuesday.

It started with a school uniform.

I should have known it was coming, given my state of mind the past few weeks. I only did it with John and Hannah there, but I couldn't hold in my frustration of all the past several months. Paper was thrown, not-so-lovely words (gasp!) were heard, my voice increased ten-fold in decibals, and all over a stupid uniform.

Well, it's never really one thing, is it? John losing his full-time job, the car being so quivery and not working right, acting like it was going to break down all last fall, and on and on and on. It's like the niggly little things all snowballed into one huge weight that refuses to roll off our backs.

The past four years, we have tried and tried to figure out exactly which type of uniforms are acceptable. Of course, one can go the expensive, buy-it-from-Parker-firsthand route. Which will make you did so deep into your pockets, you can tickle your own ankle. OR... you can go to area second-hand stores or Kid to Kid, which carries non-Parker brand, but uniform-style at least.

So (deep breath), I bought two NEW skorts last week. Then Hannah comes home and says it's not the right one, or at least her teacher makes an announcement and says that some girls are not wearing the correct skorts. Now, I must tell you that my daughter has this horrible habit of smiling and being so chipper when she tells bad news. And lately, it seems the more stressed WE get, the more she needs reassurance (of course, that's reasonable), but instead of backing off, she tells us bad news after bad news like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The other shoe dropped.

Something about that stupid uniform set me off and I was angry. I was LIVID!!! I didn't throw things AT John and Hannah, mind you. But I took the paper recycling bin, and starting ripping and shredding and tearing into it like there was no tomorrow. I'm not exactly thrilled the screen door was opened and all the neighborhood heard my brief, but anguished cry for a less-stressed life.

I know I scared my baby. I feel bad about that. But I realized that I needed to just get mad for once. Not cry. Not simper. Not whimper. Not coddle my angry mood until it goes back into its corner for round two or three or 58 of a crappy life. I needed a no-holds-barred outlet of raw, mental pain that won't let up and has been building for days, weeks, months and, at times, years.

I feel like I need to just go to a cabin for three or four days. Just totally get away. As someone who needs utter peace and quiet, those things are nowhere to be found. I go to many a park, true, but it's so hard to find true quiet, where people are not traipsing up and down and everywhere. And yet to go somewhere truly remote is, well, in today's world, a concern. My pepper spray will only help so much.

When I finally made eye contact with John as I took a breath, the love in his eyes, the concern, was nearly my undoing. I wanted to melt. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to say, "I don't deserve your love, go away, I can't handle any of this anymore."


This is what I wrote later that evening.

I see love
reflected
in your eyes

not the hate or greed
or pride,

I see me
the way I long to be
I see love
for all
eternity.

The bleachers,
the Vows
you love me
even now.

The day we said
I DO--
it all goes back
to me and you

I think I shall never see,
Something as lovely as...
YOU
gazing back at me.

"One day at a time," John said, when I asked him how was I going to get through this horrible depression. "One day at a time."

All for now,
a miserable, shaky, feeling-forsaken Tricia, still reaching out for His strong hand

A light in the darkness

First of all, I want to say that my heart goes out to the people of Japan. I'm so sorry for the losses, the heartache and tragedy they are dealing with. I pray they will continue to receive the aid and support of people everywhere.

Lately it's been hard to catch my breath, actually for both John and me. It just seems like life goes at such lightening speed! I have no idea how people, especially moms and wives, work outside the home (part time OR full time!) It just seems like there's "always something," doesn't it?

Maybe that's why I've been struggling with depression again. Just that awful, overwhelming sense that I can't get caught up, and want to cry often. But really, it's more than that. I think the combination of tragedy in the news, plus earthquakes, plus personal struggles has just done a number on me.

I think most of all, my hormone stuff, which I thought we had figured out, is still up in the air. Basically, my doctor is trying to figure out the dosage I should be taking. Meanwhile, my face has broken out SO bad on the bottom part of my face--it's so embarrassing! I know, I try to keep it in perspective with the Japanese who have lost so much this past week. But still...

I hate that deep DARKNESS. It's so hard to just function when I feel like crying so often. I hate feeling on the edge of either crying or yelling at someone. Last week some neighbor kids came over looking for Hannah, and when I told them she wasn't here, they asked, in what I thought was kind of a snotty voice, "Where is she?"

I could have handled that, but they just stayed outside the door, peering in our window! What in the world??!! The one girl, hands on hips, still continued, very demandingly, "where IS she?" loud enough for me to hear through the window. It was such a weird exchange! I tell you one thing: I wanted to yank that door open and tell her... Well, I should stop there. But I took a deep breath and opened the door and actually said, "I don't want to hurt your feelings and I don't know a nicer way to say this, but it's really none of your business."

The question itself didn't bother me so much as the attitude. Grrr! These young girls, sister, really *are* sweet girls. I think they just didn't realize how they came off.

But the thing was, I was so CLOSE to yelling at the oldest! But I knew, really, that it wasn't just her. It was me, with my hormones and all being so close to the surface.

Fast forward a few days: The same girl, we'll call her "S," knocked on the door. Thankfully, Hannah was home and could play. But I decided to talk to them then and there. I gathered both girls close to me, squatted down, and told them that they had upset me the other day. That because they were so demanding, that it made me feel like getting mad at them, and that they need to learn 1) to ask questions in a sweeter manner and 2) that there are some things in life that are none of their business and they need to learn what sorts of things they are. I felt kinda stupid, because my voice got a little "quavery" while talking with them. Their eyes were as big and round as they listened to me. I could tell I had their attention--maybe being near tears helped them listen even better. (Wasn't trying to be manipulative!)

I just think there are not enough people in this life sitting down to explain things to children (or adults for that matter). We are all in a hurry, rushing and huffing and puffing if someone offends us. But we don't take time to sit down and say, "This bothered me. I need you to do _____ so I don't want to yell at you. Can we change how we do it next time?" I know it's not always possible. And that one night, I absolutely felt like I could NOT do that to save my life!

But I don't ever want to give up! There are so many fake, mean-spirited people out there who say they love God and then turn around and would just as soon "spit on you as to look at you." Or whatever that expression is. And I'm tired of dealing with those Christians myself. I'm tired of them giving a representation of God that does not even come close to what He's really like.

Last night, John and I came up with reasons for me to "give thanks" for my depression. (Deep breath) Here we go:

~ It makes me want to get closer to God, to read my Bible more.

~ It makes me want to help others who are hurting too, to reach out to them, and to pray for them. I know what it's like to hurt, and I know the darkness of a mental illness (if you count depression as one).

~ It makes me stop thinking about myself and focus on someone else. I can't always go and "volunteer" somewhere, as people sometimes suggest. But I truly do pray for people, think of them, and try to write little emails or notes of encouragement.

~ It makes me want to help Hannah and John get closer to God. That way, even if I can't help them and show them love when I'm feeling so down, they have Someone who can show them loads of love.

~ I realize how dependent I am on God for my very breath, and how I can't do anything without Him.

All for now,

Tricia

p.s. My doctor and I decided that, while we're trying to figure out the best progesterone dosage, I will go back on an anti-depressant for a while. I'm also taking something natural to help me sleep better.

Bits and Pieces

I keep thinking I'll get some time to share what's been going on in our house, but just can't find the time. So, I guess it's time for the Highlights of the week:

~~~

Took Hannah to the eye doctor. Surprisingly, the doctor said her eyes have corrected themselves except for her astigmatism. So she still needs glasses, but not to wear them as often. Any eleven-year-old girl is happy to hear that!

~~~

Tuesday was a lonnnnng day. Hannah is supposed to tell us every bit of homework she has. Lately, she has, um, become more forgetful in that area. I think it truly is "selective memory!" Tuesday she told me quite breezily that she only had two things for homework, and "just a little" in a third. Fast-forward to 8:30 p.m. or so. Hannah starts looking tearful while on the couch. "Um, Mommy?" She begins. "I forgot I have a science, uh, test tomorrow!" Upon my stern, exasperated look, she added, "the teacher just told us only today, Mommy!"

Whoo-boy. I tried to squelch my annoyance. This is getting to be a bad habit. The past few weeks, she has forgotten to bring one thing or another home, a book, a list of something, a lab report, and on and on.

I got her book, and then we began the long process of studying for a test, on three chapters she had not even read yet. I know, I suppose other parents go through this all the time. Thus far, I have tried to be understanding. She seems truly remorseful... each time! ha!

When we were done, I told her that she would have a "consequence," for this. She was embarrassed and mortified, being cut of the same cloth as me, where even a "look" seems to discipline her after a fashion. It was simple: no Flipper, or I Love Lucy, Wednesday night. Nothing. I think it's just hard because, really, it's been years since we've had to do something like that. She's a little perfectionist and I know we got it easy that she cares about her grades and keeping things running smoothly in general.

But it was so hard. I don't know. The thing is... she gets so emotional that I felt like I was on tenterhooks. Once she gets all weepy and emotional, the homework situation can go on for HOURS. (sigh) So you have to tread carefully.

Thank goodness for Spring Break now--time to recover.

~~~

Hannah and I took daddy to his job at Tarrant County College and then drove to the Botanic Gardens. We had a fun, giggly time that (almost) made up for the stress of Tuesday evening. We skipped, frisbeed (is that a word?), smelled early blossoms, contemplated carving our names into the names of a big ol' tree. (For the record, she tossed out carving hers and a little guy friend's name on the tree, but I nixed that idea in a hurry! ha!)

Next, a little supper and then a date at Barnes & Noble where she used some of her birthday money to buy two cute little stuffed animals. She's definitely in that "not just a girl, not yet a woman" phase, vacillating between carving boys' initials on trees and buying puppy and horse animals!

I'm just trying to enjoy every day of it.

~~~

And Friday? It's called... Crash! I'm telling you, the last few weeks have been so busy, I can barely see straight. We're also dealing with a bully problem at school, and that takes every last ounce of energy and drop of wisdom a parent has (not to mention time on our knees...)

~~~

I guess that's it for now. Hope you enjoyed the update!

House of Representatives

Warning: No political parties were mentioned in the writing of this story. :)

When I was younger, my dad used to call me his "little ambassador." My dad's position in the Oklahoma Conference of Seventh-day Adventists caused him to travel all over the state. I often went with him. One of my favorite times of the year was campmeeting, which is like a Bible camp, where you hear all sorts of good speakers and, for the kids, have terrific meetings that teach you about God.

The ministers, in addition to their other 1,000 duties in life (!), had to arrive early to help pitch the tents. Yep, you read that right. The pastors had to set up tent after tent in the 100+ degree weather in July (hottest month of the year). So as daddy readied himself for some heavy-duty manual labor, I'd head out to find the other kids who'd come with their dads. All the other PKs (preacher kids) banded together during Camp Pitch. Then, in Week Two, the actual week of campmeeting, we'd scatter like the Diaspora to find other friends besides us PKs.

Within a few hours we'd all be hanging out, best of friends, and treating ourselves to snow cones or a dip in the pool. (Did I mention my dad was still hard at work pitching tents? or, if he was really lucky, he'd get to be the Parking Lot Supervisor. This coveted position, while still outside in the extreme, no-shade heat, allowed one to rest while simply waving arms like a semaphore to direct all those crazy Okla drivers as to where to park!)

I got to know everybody, their brother, their cousin, and their dog. Normally an introverted child, I seemed to blossom in this setting and, for just this fortnight, became an outgoing, gregarious person. And again, that's why I was his "little ambassador." He told me I did all the important work of getting to know people and that, because of me, they were naturally predisposed to liking him as well. Not sure if that's true, but it sounded good!

Now, fast-forward to the present day.

The other day we received an interesting note in the mail. A thank-you note, from our apartment complex office. The office manager was thanking my dear husband for going above and beyond, in picking up all the garbage around the Dumpster, because so much was left outside on the ground due to heavy snowfall (the garbage collectors had to make a second trip that day, but John didn't know they were coming back.) John threw so much trash in the Dumpster, it was almost halfway full after he finished. Apparently one of the office workers "caught" him at it! And sent a thank you note. Wonder of wonders!

Now that John occasionally substitutes at Hannah's academy, the staff and teachers have gotten to know him well. He has made quite an impression on them. For one thing, he files a report (yes, people, it's true!) for any teacher he substitutes for, so they know whether the kids behaved themselves--or not. I can't tell you how many times I've gone into the school office and the efficient, matter-of-fact school secretary gushes (and this lady NEVER gushes), "Oh we just LOVE your husband!"

I think of my own child, playing with the children in our neighborhood. Her manners, her compassion, her sheer delight at life--I like to think all of these represent John and me. Even if our neighbors never met either of us parents, would they have an idea of what we are like based on our daughter's behavior? I believe so.

I consider myself well-represented! So now I'm thinking, "Am I representing God in the truest light, so others can see what He's really like? Do they see His love pouring out of me?"

Jesus Christ said numerous times, "If you have seen me, you have seen the Father." He knew we had questions about what this mysterious Being, this divinity was like. Was God angry and full of wrath? they wanted to know. Well, look at the life of Christ. He healed, loved, cared, gave, taught, shared, spoke, listened, and... died. This Son of God represented His Father by sharing His light and life, and by giving life more abundant.

In the words of 2 Corinthians 5:19: "that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin [Jesus] to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

All for now,

Tricia

Birthday girl

Happy birthday, precious girl! I can't believe you are now 11 years old! Whew, where does the time go?

This week, for a variety of reasons, as been a bit stressful (could it have something to do with another snow day, anyone??!). But I am hoping it will all settle down and that we can get back into a semblance of a routine after the past two weeks. I mean come on: five snow days in two weeks--in TEXAS?? who'd a thunk it?

We invited one of Hannah's friends to sleep over Tuesday night. Having heard the weather report, I told her mom that maybe she should pack extra clothes. Good thing, I did! But they had a good time, I must say. They built tents, played Uno, played Barbies and Build-a-Bear, sang Christmas songs so loud I had to put earphones on, roasted marshmallows, and generally talked and giggled their lives away for two whole days! Come to think of it, not a bad way to spend a snow day, is it?

Hannah and her friend told everyone about the prank I pulled on them last night. Now, I am not a big prankster usually. I don't like them pulled on me often. In the past, my depression made me just take everything so to heart that it was hard to laugh at all, at myself, or the situation. I think I'm doing a little better.

Anyway, I couldn't resist: They decided to camp out on the floor so they would have more room. They were being silly and pulled their blankets over their heads. I leaned over and opened the door for a couple of seconds and then closed it, as if I'd left. Then I leaned in real close next to their heads and when they cautiously peeked out from under the blanket, I said, "Boo!" Shrieks and screams and laughter filled the room for the next two minutes. And here I was supposed to be settling them down! ha!

Hannah got phone calls from family--Aunt Pam called and Hannah was so excited to visit with her. And then we were surprised when later we realized we'd missed both sets of grandparents' phone calls! We were carrying on in Hannah's bedroom a little too much--we were a wild bunch, I tell ya! ha!

All for now,
Tricia

A different point of view

Image: Watercolors and black pen

I didn't like what she was telling me. Not at all.

Her statement? "Tricia, you can't judge others by your own strengths, if they are not strong in the same traits as you."

That statement has taken me two years to fully process and understand what she was trying to say. My strength, in the conversation, had to do with being good at correspondence, in keeping in touch with family and friends. In the course of our talk, I had complained to her about a mutual friend of ours who had not kept in touch while we lived away from Texas for six years. "You should go visit her," said my friend. "She'd love to see you."

"I don't think she really cares," I said in a whiny voice. "She only emailed me once or twice while we were gone!"

If I expected sympathy, I would be sorely disappointed. But she has a point. A very good point.

How many times have I hoped that others would love me in spite of my weaknesses, in spite of the fact that my "weakness" might hurt people?

Like the times I need solitude, and someone else, say Hannah, wants to spend quality time with me. Or when a family member feels bad that our family doesn't travel much due to low or no $$, or that I go a little nuts thinking about being in the car for long stretches of time because then I'm "trapped" and cannot have the quiet I need. How do you explain that to someone else, especially when you've had another someone "rip into you" for being the way you are? Makes you draw within yourself and just stop explaining or giving reasons!

In the past year, I've had some situations where someone said or did something and I took it the wrong way. Maybe, just maybe, they were needing me to look beyond the "initial hurt" to see their point of view!

Like the time...

*** someone at Hannah's school didn't pay much attention to me when I was trying to discuss something super important to me. She was super distracted, even though she'd said it was a good time to talk. I found out later she is just someone who is easily distracted (adult ADD?), and has a difficult time keeping focused or not losing things like keys or cell phone. Instead of thinking she "didn't care," maybe I should just realize we needed to talk at a different time!

We never know when someone may feel insecure or inferior (weak) about something. Then something we say or do can trigger them to feel defensive or angry. I guess that's why the Bible cautions us to be "slow to anger." It also has lots of verses about controlling the tongue. I'm trying to learn not be to so reactive. That maybe there's a whole background story there for that person that has nothing to do with me.

And isn't learning to love, in any circumstance, what it's really all about?

Is it easy? Uh, no. Not for me anyway. But I can't give up. I won't give up. Because I'm learning from the Strongest Person I know, the most ForGiving Person I know. And I can't give up until He gives up.

Light up the Sky!

I'm really digging the song by a Christian group called The Afters. I don't know anything about the group really, but John sent me their song, Light Up the Sky. The video and song are amazing to watch and listen to! It's basically about how so often we lose our hope in life, yet God continues to bring Light and Hope into our life, if we will only look up. The song/video deals with the major stresses in life: terminal illness, unemployment, divorce. Pretty heady stuff. (If you want to check it out yourself, go to youtube.com, and type in the search: Light Up the Sky official video.)

Anyway, lately I've been playing around with an art journal and decided to use the elements of this song and theme on one of the pages. I wrote the words of the song around the clouds. You can't tell, but the sun is completely filled with a gold-colored glitter and it really sparkles in real life. I tried my hand at a whimisical style font, as well.

I know in past posts I've listed some of the crummy things that have happened to us the last few months, but today I want to list some amazing things that have happened, which I see as little ways God has "lit" up our sky:

John is asked to teach classes at Tarrant County College, at the nearest campus location to our home!!

~~~

John discovers, next to the DUMPSTER at our complex, about 7 pairs of shoes, all in excellent condition, exactly in his size. These include work boots, deck shoes, church shoes, and more!

~~~

In the first ten days back from Christmas vacation, John is asked to substitute a total of five days, which I know will help us take care of the basics until the TCC checks are automatically deposited.

~~~

I have no idea why, but because John is now working at TCC, we will get a discount in our rent!! Woo-hoo!

~~~

Even though I really hated that our car was in the shop for most of our Christmas vacation, it really was the best time to get it fixed and not have to worry about how to get Hannah to school and stuff. The PTO check arrived just in time to get it fixed, too, arriving the same day Hannah's vacation started.

~~~

We received gifts and some $$ from friends and family to help us have a wonderful Christmas, as well as tide us over during the tough times. We were VERY thankful for all our loved ones, and especially GOD, did for us!

These are just a few examples of little miracles that have helped encourage us the last few weeks and months!